Some would say it’s such a waste to spend your holiday in another country just to be alone, aimless walks, talks, reading, food, companion, explore bookstores and well, journaling. There is an art in everything – it’s not the things you name that give you the feelings but the process of doing it that actually gives you the enjoyment – and I really am enjoying my 3 day-vacation during this Christmas time in another city. It’s like a sweet escape from my daily routines that actually gives me a kick in the ass. I feel more energized and fulfilled when I finally find some time to be back to these activities that really comfort me.
A year went by; it just simply went by in a blink. I can hardly remember when was the last time I stayed faithful to my journal. In this one year, there was no reflection (there actually was severals, but I was thinking mmm, I’d rather capture all these in my mind and live in the moment so I just let it slip by) no time to pause or looked back or even just some sketches or words to describe the state of mind. I was caught up in the middle of everything, trying to be present in all activities, showing up in all meetups (sometimes even without any willingness to do so), busy myself with all the work and never learn to say no to things that can disturb my own peace of mind. I have been too busy with the process of trying everything yet forgetting the most important thing is to reflect after all those try-outs to see what is me and what is not. I have been busy showing and expressing myself to the world, responding to all the messages I receive the moment it pops up, allowing myself to be distracted by all of the materialistic values out there and letting them define me in terms of style and values. I forgot to pause and think. I forgot to look at myself in the mirror, see the reflection and ask “Is this person the one I want to present to the world?, Am I my parents’ daughter, my brother’s sister, my family members’ relatives, your friends, your lover, your colleagues and all the roles I’ve got to play in this world?” Now here I am, at this point, in this country, I lost and found myself again. I am still not sure about many other unexplored parts but this I know for sure, I always need a journal – a shelter for my thoughts – and that simply proves reading, writing and watching meaningful stuffs is inspirational and the simplest form of comfort I can always afford. I’m simply me when doing these activities.
In the midst of wrapping up 2016, I’ve been thinking about 03 wishes that I have made since the very beginning of the year.
- Please make my move to Malaysia come true . I have been living in this country for 8 months up to now. I’m tripping, I’m sliding around, I know and don’t know where I’m going. That’s okay cos at least I’m excited, living and breathing. It wasn’t how I planned it – it definitely wasn’t how I planned it – it’s much more than that. Serendipity happens. Miracles happen at the least expected moments in life. I learn that I can do impossible things, that I can stretch myself much more than I think I could and that there’s no limit to the things that I can do. Feet are where I landed, at least I understand it now. At least I have the whole time in the world for myself, and it’s my decision and responsibility to fill it up and let people come into my weird little world. I also learn that hardworking pays off. That is the only thing that really pays off – hard working and smart working. De-cluttering is another key word for this year, which actually reminds me of a friend who keeps telling me “If you wanna go far, you need to get rid of unnecessary things” and I am doing it. Q, can we get back in touch? Where are you now? How are you doing? How are things? I miss our walks in the city. I miss our talks. I miss you telling me how crazy and insane I am. I miss you driving around, going for our spontaneous lunches and dinners. I miss you talking philosophy to me. All hell, I don’t know why I am missing you terribly now. I have changed a lot since last day we conversed. I know the reason why you got mad with me – I understand that. Can we re-connect? Can we just come across like serendipity? Like all the scenes in movies we always talk about? Like two old friends meeting each other after years of separating all of a sudden? I am very surprised that I miss you, not anyone, now, not any sooner…
- Please grant my parents health and happiness. Sometimes, as a daughter, I do feel a bit guilty that I don’t know when I am away, my parents are happy and well or not. But I can tell the sparkle in their eyes when I am back home. I can see the merriness of their behaviors when I am around, telling them how I am doing in another country. I can feel their cheerful voice and happy faces when I call home. I can read their contentment through emails and messages they send me. This is one of my sources of strengths, my constant support system – family values. Thanks to them, I know I have to live happily and well because seeing me happy and well is their happiness.
- Please teach me a bit about romance and the value of a partner. There is not so many people moving away from their home country, renting a room in an apartment and having some sorta so-called vague connection with their housemate. This event did teach me a lot about romance (not just a bit like I wish) and the value of a partner, or maybe I should call it companionship. I learn to be independent and stand on my own two feet no matter what the circumstance is and not to expect any sort of protection from anyone. If they are truly yours, if they genuinely care, they show up when you need them, no matter what, no matter how and no matter when. They will never ever say “It’s your problem.” They are always there, lending you a shoulder to lean on so that you can cry, wipe your tears and then go back to fight your own battle. They also teach you never to lose yourself in any kind of relationships. At the end of the day, if you’re not happy, how can you maintain a healthy relationship? So I learn to say no, communicate and solve the problem rather than hide away, bottle them up and try to please people. I also learn about what I really want in a relationship, the values of it and have the guts to say no to things that is only almost or in disguise, things that are half-cooked and half-baked. I enjoyed it already, so maybe it’s time to make it clear – there should be light after cloudy days. And yes, affection comes before any form of intimacy.
“One year ago today, where were you? What were you thinking, desiring, or asking for? How were you hurting? Rejoicing? Or just living? Very rarely do I think about these insightful questions. Whether it’s a time of pure joy or a time of deep sorrow, I am more apt to sit in my current situation rather than reflect. Yet, it’s looking back and seeing where I have come from or how I got to a current condition that contains the real value.
In recent years, I’ve discovered the great joy that is journaling. The gift a journal offers is a glimpse into the heart of the beholder, an open window to an experience at a time when the emotions were still fresh, real and pure. Journaling allows one to put on paper the feelings that sometimes cloud the brain, affording an ability to work through life’s toughest moments by releasing those deep thoughts that aren’t quite ready to be introduced to the world. A journal is a safe place.
Most of all, journaling offers a larger picture of growth and healing, to recognize the journey of what your life has become. Specifically in lonelier moments, a journal allows you to look back and remember the true friendships that were present or the family times that brought such joy. It’s through those joys that you see how far you’ve come from dark places, how you’ve since been carried to the lights.”
I’ve been running relentlessly from one thing to another, busy experiencing whatever comes my way, learn them all and embrace them all. It’s good, it’s always good – just that I should have spent a bit more time to reflect on what has happened, not to be rigid and kill all the joy of serendipity but to know myself a bit more and ready to take the opportunities when it comes. And I have learned (or at least I think and hope I have learned):
- How to live alone in another city in another country
- How to feel good and take care of myself like I should
- How to treasure all family moments after all my exploring and conquering the world kind of trips
- How to prioritize people and things in my life cos after all, I only have a limited amount of time and this life is mine, I need to take ownership of it rather than trying to manage people’s expectations and anticipations
- How to be an entrepreneur, an artist and a lady at the same time. We are multi-talented, multi-faceted and we do have multi personas, so why do we have to stick to all the conventions and perceptions and let them define us? I surely can be a princess and a bitch at the same time. I can have Greek yogurt and oatmeal for breakfast yet pizza for dinner.
- Independent, independent and independent
Maybe it’s the sanest thing…I guess lessons I learned from my 03 wishes for last year and 03 wishes for new year is the presents I got from the Christmas Shop 🙂
“Oh throw that off the window. Be a liberal woman! Why man attached? You are living in the future, you’d better tell me something interesting.” Well, I am ending this entry (and probably this year) with that high note from my bestie!