Posted in Daily Muse

“I’ll find my own bravado…”

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“I’m thinking glory, lick my lips, toss my hair and send a smile over and the story’s brand new. I can take it from here, I’ll find my own bravado.”

I just am really astonishingly amazed at the way people act – homo sapiens and their behaviors and yet I know I am a part of them.

Part of me, I really embrace the womanhood I am going through, with all my mistakes, regrets, lessons (and the prices I have to pay to learn them), experiences, learning and growing, core values, identity, stories of lost and found, of losing and gaining, of love and loss. I may laugh, I may cry, but I love the current me and that’s how I grow up – unlike when you said “throwing tantrums like a kid!” After all, all these events shape the current me. Will you embrace it or disgrace it that is your call… But for me, every single choice I have made, I believe it’s for the better.

I am scared sometimes (it’s more like usually and often, if not all the times) – scared of the nights, when loneliness just creeps in and I lose control. There are nights I am so weak and vulnerable, yet tomorrow is always a new day when morning comes with sunshine and promises for a better future.

Sometimes I think if someone is even human being? But that thought itself is not a good one – it’s questioning a person if they are human. Maybe the question should be…are you cold blood or is your heart made of stone? But still, I feel like it stings.

I, I just can’t believe in the way someone acted before we parted forever. We both know chances of our life paths crossing again is lower than zero. So why? Why had that act to be done? For me, it’s just sad to see someone I was so closed to leaving, knowing we would never meet each other again, acted “amazingly”.

Yet again, none of these matters. None of these really matters now. I’ve got more than just myself to deal with this. I have my Almighty God who will never ever abandon me, who will put my heart and mind and body at peace, knowing the road ahead has been paved by faith in Him. I’ve got myself, who is stronger than enough, to put all the pieces together. Yes, I may cry, I may have emotional breakdowns, I may get down on my knees or cry my heart out in despair. But after all, I will find myself again. I’ve got my future to take care of. I’ve got my life to build up and the world to explore, in which I see myself growing in our “that’s how I know you are the one” relationship, where trust and love is the fundamentals. I’ve got my dear family and friends who really care for me. I’ve got life and a lot of livings to do. I’ve got love, a lot of loving to give to those who deserve it. I am thankful and truly grateful that God has given me a second chance to start things all over again. So why should I waste all the blessings God has granted me because of a person who is not worth it? The more I cling to shit, the further I am from the miracles God has in store for me I guess. So, good vibes only, please!

I tried to test the waters. I gave it one more chance, more for the sake of my own sanity than anything else in this world, more for me so that later on, looking back, I would not say I regret that I didn’t do this or that. I have done all I could and all I can. “When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do” 2 Corinthians 12:10. So, yeah, let go and let God take care of the rest.

May my heart be at peace and may my mind learn to let it go gracefully. May I have the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it.

“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you’ve won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.” (Gigi – He’s just not that into You) 

“Girls are taught a lot of stuffs growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope” (Gigi – He’s just not that into You) 


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