I have been listening to this song since 8pm on April 18, 2017 up to now. Non-stop. On repeat. This and only this. When I stared out of the window, looking up at the sky and clouds and trying to busy myself away from the thoughts, the song was on. Whenever I open my eyes, the song is on. Even in my dreams, it is playing and spinning. In my mind. Constantly.
When I see you again (or maybe when we see each other again? I doubt that – we are not even in the same city; even a hug does not feel real), and I’m greeted as a friend, it is understood that we did all we could, or maybe I did all I could – even down to the level of being stubborn I may add.
It does not matter if I go or if I stay. It does not matter if we meet each other again. It does not matter if we have all those conversations we need/want to have sooner or later. It simply does not matter as all ways lead to the same destination, isn’t it? So I’d better save some for the memories.
I am sad and I do not want to lie to myself anymore or keep all my feelings locked up inside and pretend to be strong like nothing has ever happened. I guess I will just live true to what I am feeling inside – even if it’s a mess, it’s a part of growing up.
When I see you again, I’ll know not to expect and stay one step away.
I always thought it was sad, you know, the way we act like strangers. After all we had, we act like we had never met. Even though you told me not to be strangers, I can’t. We were more than just friends to me so I simply can’t – and I think that’s how we move on from relationships. I knew it was a shame that we have to play these games. I thought we knew each other, I thought I knew you. It felt like you really knew me. Now it feels like you see through me.
My mind generates a hundred thousand valid reasons to walk away but my heart has its own logic to stay. I guess I just need some more time to trust my mind and allow my heart to be strong and all I believe in. I can barely see you. Not anymore.
And don’t tell me you want to help me to solve my feelings. There is nothing to be solved here. You won’t be able to.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
It was beautiful, wasn’t it? It was…