Posted in Daily Muse, Mosaic, Project Serendipity

Sunday

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Tsutaya Bookstore, Daikanyama T-site

Sunday woke me up early with mild sunshine dancing among the chaotic white state of bed sheet, pillows, blanket and a teddy bear; and a breeze sneaking through the window together with the undistinguished talks of early risers at the train station.

Then Sunday went on to play Yann Tiersen and Charlotte Gainsbourg on the long abandoned playlist while I was having a quick bite for breakfast.

Sunday brought me to the dizzy Hamamatsu-cho station quietly and serenely. The ride pretty much made me feel I’m a stronger and more independent person, calmer in the turbulence thanks to the news I got on Thursday night and know myself a bit more. Several lines from In the Station of the Metro – Ezra Pound ran through my head with a background of Kodaline playing High Hopes and The One. People, trees, buildings, landscapes, flowers, everything passed by as the train moved on. Calmness and peace creeps into my soul. And there was a strangeness in my mind.

Instead of getting off at the usual Ebisu station to get to Daikanyama T-site, I picked another route (frankly speaking, I was just lazy to walk so I chose the longer way to avoid walking for 6 more minutes and took it as an excuse that I was getting out of my comfort zone). Anyways, Daikanyama station is a village-like, small and cozy station. I love this area thanks to its calm, peaceful and relaxed atmosphere garnishing with a Frenchy touch of boutiques and boulangeries.

I spent the whole day at Tsutaya bookstore (one of the most 20 beautiful bookstore in the world according to Flavorwire) and my heart was still there. Of all the places I have been to in Tokyo, T-site had me at the Library in the Woods theme, the design, range of books and the ambiance. I love the state of being here – it is so comfortable and relaxing being surrounded by books and nature. Reading is enjoyable at T-site, and that’s all I need, for now.

Sunday brought me the discovery of “Essays in Idleness” (Tsurezuregusa) and several other pieces of Japanese literature. Sunday sat me down to read Marina Abramovic – a performance artist with her strange taste in arts. Sunday flipped me through pages of B-Brand – the issue for Aesop and Pantone.

I keep thinking about conversations on the train…

Tsutaya does not stop at being a bookstore to me; it is a memory.

I might not figure out what I want yet; but I do know for sure what I don’t. 

 

Posted in Daily Muse

The Promise

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Good and Beautiful

After all, Malaysia was a love-able and lovely experience. I am glad that you were the one who greeted me when I first came to MY and also the last one I kissed goodbye.

After all, if this trip was only meant to be for us to figure something out then I guess it was the right move when it came to an end. Hugs! I am thankful!

“It’s a long long way to miracle but I promise my soul that I will make it back home; because this world needs those good and beautiful miracles.”

 

Posted in Daily Muse

The Sunset

I have been listening to this song since 8pm on April 18, 2017 up to now. Non-stop. On repeat. This and only this. When I stared out of the window, looking up at the sky and clouds and trying to busy myself away from the thoughts, the song was on. Whenever I open my eyes, the song is on. Even in my dreams, it is playing and spinning. In my mind. Constantly.

When I see you again (or maybe when we see each other again?  I doubt that – we are not even in the same city; even a hug does not feel real), and I’m greeted as a friend, it is understood that we did all we could, or maybe I did all I could – even down to the level of being stubborn I may add.

It does not matter if I go or if I stay. It does not matter if we meet each other again. It does not matter if we have all those conversations we need/want to have sooner or later. It simply does not matter as all ways lead to the same destination, isn’t it? So I’d better save some for the memories.

I am sad and I do not want to lie to myself anymore or keep all my feelings locked up inside and pretend to be strong like nothing has ever happened. I guess I will just live true to what I am feeling inside – even if it’s a mess, it’s a part of growing up.

When I see you again, I’ll know not to expect and stay one step away.

I always thought it was sad, you know, the way we act like strangers. After all we had, we act like we had never met. Even though you told me not to be strangers, I can’t. We were more than just friends to me so I simply can’t – and I think that’s how we move on from relationships. I knew it was a shame that we have to play these games. I thought we knew each other, I thought I knew you. It felt like you really knew me. Now it feels like you see through me.

My mind generates a hundred thousand valid reasons to walk away but my heart has its own logic to stay. I guess I just need some more time to trust my mind and allow my heart to be strong and all I believe in. I can barely see you. Not anymore.

And don’t tell me you want to help me to solve my feelings. There is nothing to be solved here. You won’t be able to.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

The sunset.

It was beautiful, wasn’t it? It was…

Posted in Daily Muse

“I’ll find my own bravado…”

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“I’m thinking glory, lick my lips, toss my hair and send a smile over and the story’s brand new. I can take it from here, I’ll find my own bravado.”

I just am really astonishingly amazed at the way people act – homo sapiens and their behaviors and yet I know I am a part of them.

Part of me, I really embrace the womanhood I am going through, with all my mistakes, regrets, lessons (and the prices I have to pay to learn them), experiences, learning and growing, core values, identity, stories of lost and found, of losing and gaining, of love and loss. I may laugh, I may cry, but I love the current me and that’s how I grow up – unlike when you said “throwing tantrums like a kid!” After all, all these events shape the current me. Will you embrace it or disgrace it that is your call… But for me, every single choice I have made, I believe it’s for the better.

I am scared sometimes (it’s more like usually and often, if not all the times) – scared of the nights, when loneliness just creeps in and I lose control. There are nights I am so weak and vulnerable, yet tomorrow is always a new day when morning comes with sunshine and promises for a better future.

Sometimes I think if someone is even human being? But that thought itself is not a good one – it’s questioning a person if they are human. Maybe the question should be…are you cold blood or is your heart made of stone? But still, I feel like it stings.

I, I just can’t believe in the way someone acted before we parted forever. We both know chances of our life paths crossing again is lower than zero. So why? Why had that act to be done? For me, it’s just sad to see someone I was so closed to leaving, knowing we would never meet each other again, acted “amazingly”.

Yet again, none of these matters. None of these really matters now. I’ve got more than just myself to deal with this. I have my Almighty God who will never ever abandon me, who will put my heart and mind and body at peace, knowing the road ahead has been paved by faith in Him. I’ve got myself, who is stronger than enough, to put all the pieces together. Yes, I may cry, I may have emotional breakdowns, I may get down on my knees or cry my heart out in despair. But after all, I will find myself again. I’ve got my future to take care of. I’ve got my life to build up and the world to explore, in which I see myself growing in our “that’s how I know you are the one” relationship, where trust and love is the fundamentals. I’ve got my dear family and friends who really care for me. I’ve got life and a lot of livings to do. I’ve got love, a lot of loving to give to those who deserve it. I am thankful and truly grateful that God has given me a second chance to start things all over again. So why should I waste all the blessings God has granted me because of a person who is not worth it? The more I cling to shit, the further I am from the miracles God has in store for me I guess. So, good vibes only, please!

I tried to test the waters. I gave it one more chance, more for the sake of my own sanity than anything else in this world, more for me so that later on, looking back, I would not say I regret that I didn’t do this or that. I have done all I could and all I can. “When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do” 2 Corinthians 12:10. So, yeah, let go and let God take care of the rest.

May my heart be at peace and may my mind learn to let it go gracefully. May I have the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it.

“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you’ve won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.” (Gigi – He’s just not that into You) 

“Girls are taught a lot of stuffs growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope” (Gigi – He’s just not that into You)